In this draft I think it is a strong draft. Saying this I mean that the main points are touched upon and there a multiple quotes bringing through a sort of knowledge from the scholars that wrote the articles. The parts that could use work are the set up of the paragraphs, the framing statements that lead up to the quotes, and the thesis and ending paragraph.The way that I would try and fix this is by triaging the major problems like the paragraph set up and the quote set up. These are the large ideas, there is some common grammar or run on sentences but these can be fixed after the main ideas are taken care of.